I Want More

When I first signed up for the Career Development Center with my job, it wasn’t a surprise that I am an extrovert. I could talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.. when I’m comfortable. Now, if I’m just getting to know someone, I want to talk and talk and talk and talk but something inside me says “Don’t do it, you’ll scare them away! I probably would scare them away.

I tend to get too deep, too fast. I don’t like small talk. I don’t (just) want to know how your day was or your plans for the next few months. I want to know what keeps you up at night. I want to know your childhood nicknames and what makes you tick.  I want to know what your favorite song means to you and what your wildest fantasy is.  I don’t like to brush the surface.  I tend to get too deep, too fast. 

So, I’m an extroverted-loner because I come off too strong. But I need to be around people. I’ve gotten so used to being alone because I feel like no one understands me and how my brain works.

Some night I sit up thinking and wishing my brain worked differently but then I realize, I really don’t. It can be complicated but I like how I am. I enjoy being intense, sometimes.

I go hard with everything. Not just conversations. I believe my dogs understands me and how I feel. I believe everything happens for a reason and that there is such thing as putting things into the universe. I believe Your Angels protect you and give you signs when need be. I don’t believe in coincidence or luck; that (very) hard work pays off and you should never stop until you are where you want to be. I always want more.

When I first started my job at the bank, I was told I needed to make a certain quota on referrals each month. I was like “WHAT?!” How am I going to do that ? I don’t know how to have small talk.  Besides that, I don’t like small talk. I remember the first time I got coached. The gentleman that was mentoring me at the time came up to me and said to point out something about each customer that you like and build upon that. The first time, I pointed out an elderly mans watch and we had a whole conversation about watches. I felt fulfilled after the conversation but I wanted more. From that day on, I made it a point to have small talk with each client I came in contact with. Once I got comfortable, it started developing into deeper conversations. Conversations about family, divorce, vacations, children, death, etc.  Then I got promoted.  I was now in a position to speak to people on a deeper level. Now, it was my job to dig deeper.  When it’s your job to do something, it feels more natural.  My clients didn’t look at me like I had 5 heads when we talked about their special needs trust account. They knew me on a personal level and they knew I was a trained professional.

When you bring this out into the real world, especially in this day, it doesn’t work that easily.  I feel like if you ask someone a personal question or try to have a deep meaningful conversation, they get nervous and try to hide. You can have your opinion on why this happens, but I put most of the blame on the media and social media. The media because Hollywood has given so many people unnecessary anxiety and insecurity and social media because it’s formed an outlet for people to not have a face to face conversation. Social media sites and online dating have made it so easy to hide behind a screen or a phone.  I’m guilty of this at times.  It’s a security blanket.  You don’t have to worry about a in person reaction. You don’t have to see the look on the person’s face or hear the tone in their voice.  You can ask or say anything you want and not get any real reaction afterward.

I can honestly say, I used to be like that. I used to be that person to brush the surface with people and not want to build a relationship. I would run after “How was your day?” Too clingy. BYE! It scared me to get too close to someone and be vulnerable.  I’ve learned that relationships, in any form, are the key to love. Not just romantic love, but friendships and family love.

Now, it can’t happen fast enough. I want a deep connection more than ever.  There is too much good in life to not share it with someone else.  For me, this is a blessing and a curse.  Blessing because anyone that builds any type of relationship with me, will know that the truth will always be told and I will always always always have something to say.  And I’ll always have an opinion.  A curse because I tend to cause myself unnecessary anxiety and push people away.  Since I don’t like small talk, I feel uncomfortable doing it. Sine I feel uncomfortable doing it, I don’t do it. Since I don’t do it, people think I’m weird and dont talk. Truth is, I’m the total opposite. I could talk for days. But not about the weather or what movies are out.  I talk about hidden meanings and what my favorite smell reminds me of. I’m not ashamed of my past, so I talk about it.  I’m sure being on a first date with someone, you wouldn’t want to hear about the relationship someone has with their child’s other parent or about a life changing mistake  incident that happened years ago.

I’m trying to be patient. I’m holding off for the right people to enter my life, or maybe they are already here and I don’t realize it yet.

Like I said, life is too short to not share it with someone. Don’t be afraid to be you and dig deeper. What’s the worst that can happen?

I’ve been opening up a lot more to people closest to me ( or at least I’ve been trying .) I’ve realized that everyone that is here now, won’t be here forever. I need to make sure I make the best out of each relationship I have and give everyone in my life as much love as I possibly can.

Some people are content with skimming through life and not having a deep foundation with people. Not me. I want more. I need more. And I plan to take each relationship to the next level. So, if you know me personally, buckle up!!

Happy Friday Eve, my loves !


One thought on “I Want More

  1. I’m excited to see how this helps your relationships develop. It’s a scary thing to be vulnerable and open but I think you will find it really rewarding ❤️


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